Ok, just quickly - this is the response I sent to A -

Hey you!I know you are super busy, please don't worry about me - although I am always thinking about you and absolutely LOVE to hear from you, I am not in that same creepy, insecure place I was a few months ago... really. hehe.

I didn't get your mom's email, but I need to send her one anyway. When I sent the message about Thanksgiving, I didn't want to intrude on any family things you have going on - but having said that, I would also love to meet the rest of your family.

Are you going to get some time to play this weekend? It sounds like the school workload is going to be too much to allow you to have a job? I have so many questions but I know you don't really have a ton of time so I'll save them 'till I see you =) Coffee maybe, just you and I?
Anyway, have a wonderful weekend - I leave for California on Monday and won't be back till Friday. Though it's a work trip - there's usually copious amounts of wine consumed =D hopefully it's nice there!

I love you and miss you like CRAZY!

Smile and nod C, Smile and nod.

It hurts too much

I finally got a message from A! It's been 10 days- I could tell you the hours and minutes, but you'd think I was a creeper. It was a short message, but I'll take what I can get.

I emailed him on the 5th of September to see what his availability was for the Thanksgiving long weekend (October 8th 'cause I'm in Canada - eh), I have no more holidays this year from work so I have to squeeze any visits I can into long weekends. Anyway, since he hadn't responded, I had pretty much written it off and was thinking about the November long weekend instead - which my husband was happy about because funds are low right now.

So his message today says sorry for taking so long to respond - he is really busy and that his mom emailed me about Thanksgiving (I haven't gotten anything) and they would love to have us for Thanksgiving as he wants us to meet his cousins, aunts, uncles and grandpa. Ok, ok, ok... I think I really do have to change my blog title to Ungrateful 1st mom because although I was happy to get a message, and I was happy that we can spend some time with him next month - I was sad that it will be with his family. I really thought I did a good job of hiding my pain when his mom was out - but this confirms it - he has no idea. For that I am glad.

I am really wanting to have a relationship with his family, what could be better for him? I liken it to my girls' dad, who quite frequently is in my kitchen having a beer with my husband when I come home from work - we make it work for the kids. There is no tug of war for loyalty. My youngest daughter loves me to death but she is a daddy's girl through and through. I digress... what I'm getting at is that it would be great for him to feel that we are all a family - and we are. The reason I'm having difficulties is that I just don't know I can do it again so soon. It hurts too much.

It's not just that. I have learned much in the last 6 months.. and one of those things is that 1st mom's are not held up on that pedastal that they put us on when we were pregnant. Nooooooo, that was clearly kicked out from under me the moment I signed those papers! I hear it all the time. My neighbour whom I love, said her cousin was adopted and found her "birthmother" she said that it was uncomfortable for them all when they met her and basically indicated that this woman didn't raise her and therefore they were appalled that she would be involved in her life. That was before she knew I was a "birthmother". I was at a support group meeting the other night, in which I mentioned that it hurt having A's mom at our house, seeing her be his mom and knowing that I will never be her and an adoptive mom went up one side of me and down the other about how she (A's mom) was there for him through thick and thin and didn't I think that counted for something?! I wasn't saying that it didn't, I wasn't saying she wasn't his mom, I was saying that it hurts that I am not her. Thats all. I left there again feeling that I am nothing. That I do not deserve to have a relationship with A. That I don't deserve anything except the misery I have lived in for 19 years. I don't want to go there and be in a room full of people who think that I am nothing - that I have no right to have a relationship with my son - their son. But I will - for A. I will smile and nod, I will tell everyone how grateful I am that A grew up in their family and not mine because "clearly I made the right choice" and I will die a little more inside.

...I will be grateful that I can see my son's beautiful blue eyes, hear him laugh and watch him be his amazing self.

Unsure of the "Rules"

I'm sitting here at work with a million things to do, and only one thing on my mind. I haven't heard from A in over 5 days. I know for many that wouldn't be a concern, but I used to get at least a text message every day. I've sent 2 messages that he didn't respond to but chalked it up to back to school busyness however, now I'm starting to worry that I've done something to upset him. I don't want to send the stupid "did I do something wrong?" email or phone call for that matter, and I hate obsessing over it. I check my messages every 15 minutes I'm sure, and each time his name isn't there, my heart sinks again. The scariest thing for me is that ever since he left with his mom after their visit(in August) his messages (the ones he has left) have been very short. I hate feeling this insecure about things. I hate that I worry all the time that I'm going to lose him again. My heart physically hurts - that can't be good for a person. I think the worst thing is that I don't know what the "right thing" to do is. Do I send him quick little emails just letting him know I'm thinking about him (which is what I'm doing) or do I give him space and wait till' he contacts me (then I feel like I'm playing games)? I just so desperately want to make sure that I'm not upsetting him or making things too difficult. I need a reunion rule book - something to guide me through.

I know - because it's important to me

He hates seafood, he's allergic to horses, he ran away from home - a few times, he put a quarter into the microwave at school for 25 minutes just before everyone left for the weekend and had to pay 274 bucks for a new one. He's never been in love, had 4 very close friends die tragically, loves cats, had many cats and a dog growing up, loves watersports, always wanted a little brother (still does even though it's imposible for either his mom or I to give him one). He was a volunteer firefighter for his town and got an award for being at every fire (usually the first), he went to entrepreneur camp twice and then went back as a camp councellor - won the youth entrepreneur of the year award, he loves his family- especially his cousin (C). He nearly died after having his tonsils out, played Volleyball in highschool, was scorekeeper for the basketball team and told a coach to "smoke his pole", his two best friends are girls - both have the same name. He doesn't cry, loves Adam Sandler movies, has read all of the Harry Potter books. He will have a boat someday, he's in school to become a paramedic, he was stabbed for dancing with someone elses girl at a bar. There is soooo much more - he is AMAZING! I was reading a post in which the author said that her first mom doesn't ask her about HER and what makes (or has made) her, who she is. I smiled to myself because I know so much about (A) because I have asked - even though it hurts sometimes to know what I missed... it is all a compilation of who he is... and HE is important to me

If only...

I find myself thinking this a lot lately. If only... If only I could go back and change things. If only I knew that I would never be happy or whole again... If only I knew that placing my son wasn't the "most loving and unselfish thing I could do for him"... If only I knew that I was strong... If only I knew I could do it... If only I knew there was help - a way... If only I knew that I was being taken advantage of... If only I could go back to that day and run as far and as fast as I could, with my son and say piss on you all - your sadness is not more important than mine - your disappointment doesn't mean anything to me - you are wretched people who persuaded me to damn myself to a life without real happiness - for what?? If only I knew that adopted children... that HE needed me as much as I needed him... If only I knew that what I was doing wasn't "right" or "noble"... If only I knew that his a-parents would struggle financially too... If only I knew that they were not better than me... older?, yes - wiser?, yes - more mature?, yes - better parents because of all those things? - quite possibly. Do all of those things justify A not growing up with me as his mom? NOPE! If only I knew that then.

I know logically that I can't go back, I should learn to live in the present and celebrate the fact that my son is part of my life now, but my heart still holds onto this hope that I will fix it - that I can fix it. My son's mom emailed me today to say that A called her and told her I needed a drink with my neighbor after they left (I did). Why did that bug me? Because he confides in her? Because she feels the need to make sure I know he confides in her? Both I'm sure. I don't hate her, I hate the situation - I hate that I am not her. I hate that he loves her so much (but I love it at the same time because I know he grew up happy and loved). ARGGGGGGH! I want to scream!! I want to go back! If only...

Grateful might not be the right word...

I'm not very good with this whole blog thing. I have many posts saved in draft but I get half way through and it's all a jumbled mess because I think too many things at once. This week I need to blog. I'm hoping someone out there will stumble upon it and have some intelligent or insightful words of inspiration!
I just finished 2 weeks with my son. One wonderful, blissful week (for me - he may have an altered opinion) and one that was unbelievably difficult. You see, his mom came for the second week. Don't misunderstand, I am grateful that she came. She is an amazing woman who loves her son and is being more supportive than I could have ever imagined, but I might as well have ripped all of my toenails out and soaked my feet in an iodine bath! To watch him hug her, kiss her goodnight, lay his head in her lap as they were watching TV and her do his laundry, make him breakfast and help him pack when they were ready to leave was more than I could bear! I'm certain they are not like that all the time at home (he's 19) but I think he was trying to re-assure her (and me I'm sure) that she is his mom, (something I need no help with) and she was making sure that I knew that she is his mom - again, a fact I have been painfully aware of for 19 years. There were some wonderful moments where we were able to talk - her and I, she shared some wonderful stories about his childhood but certain things grated on my every nerve. I am going to seem like an ungrateful bitch to most right now so those whom I might offend... cover your eyes.
A few of the greatest were:
"It wouldn't have mattered if you changed your mind... we would have taken him, run away, and fought you every step of the way" - What am I supposed to say to that???

"I never thought about you as he was growing up" - I hadn't really thought about that until she said it, I guess I just assumed that I was an important part of him. Silly I know.

"you never could have raised him, he was hard to love sometimes" - um...yeah. I wish I had the chance and it's never hard to love your children even though you might not like what they do.

"clearly you made the right choice" - For who????

UGGG! I am in complete understanding that I am lucky. Lucky to be in reunion, lucky that my son was raised by wonderful people, lucky that they are supportive of my being in his life now. I guess I have to figure out for myself where I fit and be grateful for what I have.

A scared little girl - a.k.a "PBM"!

I had what I thought to be an extremely silly dream last night and then as I thought about it this morning I realized the meaning behind it. I dreamt that I was standing on a stage obviously pregnant - except I was a cow (don't really understand that) standing on my hindquarters and was being auctioned off by a short man with a moustache and tophat (like the one from monopoly). I realized this morning that what's been bothering me in the daylight must have manifested itself in my dream. I was going through forums the other night and went into the Adoptive parents forum - I don't usually go there but I will be spending the week with "A's" mom next month (she's coming to stay with us) and I was worried about saying the wrong things - are there topics I should stay away from etc... She is helping to make this reunion with "A" extemely easy and I want to make sure I don't offend her or step on her toes in any way. I digress - so as I was looking through these posts I was SHOCKED to say the least! I had NO IDEA that adoptive parents could be so cold, uncaring, selfish and ignorant - in the true sense of the word. There were so many things that disturbed me but one inparticular was the label "PBM" took me a minute to understand what that meant but as I realized it my heart sank - I can't possibly know what it must feel like not to be able to carry a child to term but this was unbelievable. After 19 years - I can't believe how naive I still am. I still have issues with the circumstances surrounding how I came to place my son for adoption (I LOVE his parents though) but I really felt cheap! USED! LIED TO! One of the posts had indicated for the adoptive parents not to leave the "PBM" alone with the baby at the hospital. That as long as there was one of them there tagteaming it made it less likely for the "PBM" to change her mind - a great tip they had gotten from an agency! AHHHHH... I can't even express my anger - it's been a couple of days and as I write this I feel like I'm going to lose it!! Don't they understand we are humans - most of us scared little girls who are having to face the loss of our child - yes "our" child. Just because we surrender our rights we are not any less of a mother - in fact we are more, we did not surrender for our own gain, we surrendered for our babies - the ultimate sacrifice in my opinion. To think that we are allowing ourselves, our friends, family and society to convince us that these BITCHES for lack of a better word (most of them on the site are women) will be better parents than us??? A sad state of affairs. I do not want to paint all adoptive parents in a bad light - there just seems to be an extraordinary amount of them in this forum, my son's parents are wonderful people who lived up to my every expectation and my son is a wonderful young man - thanks to them. I do wonder though, after reading those posts if the fact that they really stressed that 3 girls had changed their minds and devastaed them prior to meeting me wasn't something that the agency encouraged. Just to tug at my heartstrings and my concience? - after all, I was human - a scared little girl.