Thursday, July 26, 2007

A scared little girl - a.k.a "PBM"!

I had what I thought to be an extremely silly dream last night and then as I thought about it this morning I realized the meaning behind it. I dreamt that I was standing on a stage obviously pregnant - except I was a cow (don't really understand that) standing on my hindquarters and was being auctioned off by a short man with a moustache and tophat (like the one from monopoly). I realized this morning that what's been bothering me in the daylight must have manifested itself in my dream. I was going through forums the other night and went into the Adoptive parents forum - I don't usually go there but I will be spending the week with "A's" mom next month (she's coming to stay with us) and I was worried about saying the wrong things - are there topics I should stay away from etc... She is helping to make this reunion with "A" extemely easy and I want to make sure I don't offend her or step on her toes in any way. I digress - so as I was looking through these posts I was SHOCKED to say the least! I had NO IDEA that adoptive parents could be so cold, uncaring, selfish and ignorant - in the true sense of the word. There were so many things that disturbed me but one inparticular was the label "PBM" took me a minute to understand what that meant but as I realized it my heart sank - I can't possibly know what it must feel like not to be able to carry a child to term but this was unbelievable. After 19 years - I can't believe how naive I still am. I still have issues with the circumstances surrounding how I came to place my son for adoption (I LOVE his parents though) but I really felt cheap! USED! LIED TO! One of the posts had indicated for the adoptive parents not to leave the "PBM" alone with the baby at the hospital. That as long as there was one of them there tagteaming it made it less likely for the "PBM" to change her mind - a great tip they had gotten from an agency! AHHHHH... I can't even express my anger - it's been a couple of days and as I write this I feel like I'm going to lose it!! Don't they understand we are humans - most of us scared little girls who are having to face the loss of our child - yes "our" child. Just because we surrender our rights we are not any less of a mother - in fact we are more, we did not surrender for our own gain, we surrendered for our babies - the ultimate sacrifice in my opinion. To think that we are allowing ourselves, our friends, family and society to convince us that these BITCHES for lack of a better word (most of them on the site are women) will be better parents than us??? A sad state of affairs. I do not want to paint all adoptive parents in a bad light - there just seems to be an extraordinary amount of them in this forum, my son's parents are wonderful people who lived up to my every expectation and my son is a wonderful young man - thanks to them. I do wonder though, after reading those posts if the fact that they really stressed that 3 girls had changed their minds and devastaed them prior to meeting me wasn't something that the agency encouraged. Just to tug at my heartstrings and my concience? - after all, I was human - a scared little girl.

Wednesday, July 25, 2007

Brand New Blogger

I've been wandering through cyber space for some time now, reading blogs of other first mothers (by the way - I hate lables but understand that it's necessary in order to understand relationships) and have found that it helps. It helps me to not feel alone, helps me to sort through my thoughts and know that I am not (or will not become) insane (not completely anyway). So this will be my first attempt - maybe I'll get feedback but mostly I think I'll be able to sort through my thoughts simply by writing.