I know - because it's important to me

He hates seafood, he's allergic to horses, he ran away from home - a few times, he put a quarter into the microwave at school for 25 minutes just before everyone left for the weekend and had to pay 274 bucks for a new one. He's never been in love, had 4 very close friends die tragically, loves cats, had many cats and a dog growing up, loves watersports, always wanted a little brother (still does even though it's imposible for either his mom or I to give him one). He was a volunteer firefighter for his town and got an award for being at every fire (usually the first), he went to entrepreneur camp twice and then went back as a camp councellor - won the youth entrepreneur of the year award, he loves his family- especially his cousin (C). He nearly died after having his tonsils out, played Volleyball in highschool, was scorekeeper for the basketball team and told a coach to "smoke his pole", his two best friends are girls - both have the same name. He doesn't cry, loves Adam Sandler movies, has read all of the Harry Potter books. He will have a boat someday, he's in school to become a paramedic, he was stabbed for dancing with someone elses girl at a bar. There is soooo much more - he is AMAZING! I was reading a post in which the author said that her first mom doesn't ask her about HER and what makes (or has made) her, who she is. I smiled to myself because I know so much about (A) because I have asked - even though it hurts sometimes to know what I missed... it is all a compilation of who he is... and HE is important to me

If only...

I find myself thinking this a lot lately. If only... If only I could go back and change things. If only I knew that I would never be happy or whole again... If only I knew that placing my son wasn't the "most loving and unselfish thing I could do for him"... If only I knew that I was strong... If only I knew I could do it... If only I knew there was help - a way... If only I knew that I was being taken advantage of... If only I could go back to that day and run as far and as fast as I could, with my son and say piss on you all - your sadness is not more important than mine - your disappointment doesn't mean anything to me - you are wretched people who persuaded me to damn myself to a life without real happiness - for what?? If only I knew that adopted children... that HE needed me as much as I needed him... If only I knew that what I was doing wasn't "right" or "noble"... If only I knew that his a-parents would struggle financially too... If only I knew that they were not better than me... older?, yes - wiser?, yes - more mature?, yes - better parents because of all those things? - quite possibly. Do all of those things justify A not growing up with me as his mom? NOPE! If only I knew that then.

I know logically that I can't go back, I should learn to live in the present and celebrate the fact that my son is part of my life now, but my heart still holds onto this hope that I will fix it - that I can fix it. My son's mom emailed me today to say that A called her and told her I needed a drink with my neighbor after they left (I did). Why did that bug me? Because he confides in her? Because she feels the need to make sure I know he confides in her? Both I'm sure. I don't hate her, I hate the situation - I hate that I am not her. I hate that he loves her so much (but I love it at the same time because I know he grew up happy and loved). ARGGGGGGH! I want to scream!! I want to go back! If only...

Grateful might not be the right word...

I'm not very good with this whole blog thing. I have many posts saved in draft but I get half way through and it's all a jumbled mess because I think too many things at once. This week I need to blog. I'm hoping someone out there will stumble upon it and have some intelligent or insightful words of inspiration!
I just finished 2 weeks with my son. One wonderful, blissful week (for me - he may have an altered opinion) and one that was unbelievably difficult. You see, his mom came for the second week. Don't misunderstand, I am grateful that she came. She is an amazing woman who loves her son and is being more supportive than I could have ever imagined, but I might as well have ripped all of my toenails out and soaked my feet in an iodine bath! To watch him hug her, kiss her goodnight, lay his head in her lap as they were watching TV and her do his laundry, make him breakfast and help him pack when they were ready to leave was more than I could bear! I'm certain they are not like that all the time at home (he's 19) but I think he was trying to re-assure her (and me I'm sure) that she is his mom, (something I need no help with) and she was making sure that I knew that she is his mom - again, a fact I have been painfully aware of for 19 years. There were some wonderful moments where we were able to talk - her and I, she shared some wonderful stories about his childhood but certain things grated on my every nerve. I am going to seem like an ungrateful bitch to most right now so those whom I might offend... cover your eyes.
A few of the greatest were:
"It wouldn't have mattered if you changed your mind... we would have taken him, run away, and fought you every step of the way" - What am I supposed to say to that???

"I never thought about you as he was growing up" - I hadn't really thought about that until she said it, I guess I just assumed that I was an important part of him. Silly I know.

"you never could have raised him, he was hard to love sometimes" - um...yeah. I wish I had the chance and it's never hard to love your children even though you might not like what they do.

"clearly you made the right choice" - For who????

UGGG! I am in complete understanding that I am lucky. Lucky to be in reunion, lucky that my son was raised by wonderful people, lucky that they are supportive of my being in his life now. I guess I have to figure out for myself where I fit and be grateful for what I have.