If only...

I find myself thinking this a lot lately. If only... If only I could go back and change things. If only I knew that I would never be happy or whole again... If only I knew that placing my son wasn't the "most loving and unselfish thing I could do for him"... If only I knew that I was strong... If only I knew I could do it... If only I knew there was help - a way... If only I knew that I was being taken advantage of... If only I could go back to that day and run as far and as fast as I could, with my son and say piss on you all - your sadness is not more important than mine - your disappointment doesn't mean anything to me - you are wretched people who persuaded me to damn myself to a life without real happiness - for what?? If only I knew that adopted children... that HE needed me as much as I needed him... If only I knew that what I was doing wasn't "right" or "noble"... If only I knew that his a-parents would struggle financially too... If only I knew that they were not better than me... older?, yes - wiser?, yes - more mature?, yes - better parents because of all those things? - quite possibly. Do all of those things justify A not growing up with me as his mom? NOPE! If only I knew that then.

I know logically that I can't go back, I should learn to live in the present and celebrate the fact that my son is part of my life now, but my heart still holds onto this hope that I will fix it - that I can fix it. My son's mom emailed me today to say that A called her and told her I needed a drink with my neighbor after they left (I did). Why did that bug me? Because he confides in her? Because she feels the need to make sure I know he confides in her? Both I'm sure. I don't hate her, I hate the situation - I hate that I am not her. I hate that he loves her so much (but I love it at the same time because I know he grew up happy and loved). ARGGGGGGH! I want to scream!! I want to go back! If only...