Wednesday, August 22, 2007

Grateful might not be the right word...

I'm not very good with this whole blog thing. I have many posts saved in draft but I get half way through and it's all a jumbled mess because I think too many things at once. This week I need to blog. I'm hoping someone out there will stumble upon it and have some intelligent or insightful words of inspiration!
I just finished 2 weeks with my son. One wonderful, blissful week (for me - he may have an altered opinion) and one that was unbelievably difficult. You see, his mom came for the second week. Don't misunderstand, I am grateful that she came. She is an amazing woman who loves her son and is being more supportive than I could have ever imagined, but I might as well have ripped all of my toenails out and soaked my feet in an iodine bath! To watch him hug her, kiss her goodnight, lay his head in her lap as they were watching TV and her do his laundry, make him breakfast and help him pack when they were ready to leave was more than I could bear! I'm certain they are not like that all the time at home (he's 19) but I think he was trying to re-assure her (and me I'm sure) that she is his mom, (something I need no help with) and she was making sure that I knew that she is his mom - again, a fact I have been painfully aware of for 19 years. There were some wonderful moments where we were able to talk - her and I, she shared some wonderful stories about his childhood but certain things grated on my every nerve. I am going to seem like an ungrateful bitch to most right now so those whom I might offend... cover your eyes.
A few of the greatest were:
"It wouldn't have mattered if you changed your mind... we would have taken him, run away, and fought you every step of the way" - What am I supposed to say to that???

"I never thought about you as he was growing up" - I hadn't really thought about that until she said it, I guess I just assumed that I was an important part of him. Silly I know.

"you never could have raised him, he was hard to love sometimes" - um...yeah. I wish I had the chance and it's never hard to love your children even though you might not like what they do.

"clearly you made the right choice" - For who????

UGGG! I am in complete understanding that I am lucky. Lucky to be in reunion, lucky that my son was raised by wonderful people, lucky that they are supportive of my being in his life now. I guess I have to figure out for myself where I fit and be grateful for what I have.

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