It hurts too much

I finally got a message from A! It's been 10 days- I could tell you the hours and minutes, but you'd think I was a creeper. It was a short message, but I'll take what I can get.

I emailed him on the 5th of September to see what his availability was for the Thanksgiving long weekend (October 8th 'cause I'm in Canada - eh), I have no more holidays this year from work so I have to squeeze any visits I can into long weekends. Anyway, since he hadn't responded, I had pretty much written it off and was thinking about the November long weekend instead - which my husband was happy about because funds are low right now.

So his message today says sorry for taking so long to respond - he is really busy and that his mom emailed me about Thanksgiving (I haven't gotten anything) and they would love to have us for Thanksgiving as he wants us to meet his cousins, aunts, uncles and grandpa. Ok, ok, ok... I think I really do have to change my blog title to Ungrateful 1st mom because although I was happy to get a message, and I was happy that we can spend some time with him next month - I was sad that it will be with his family. I really thought I did a good job of hiding my pain when his mom was out - but this confirms it - he has no idea. For that I am glad.

I am really wanting to have a relationship with his family, what could be better for him? I liken it to my girls' dad, who quite frequently is in my kitchen having a beer with my husband when I come home from work - we make it work for the kids. There is no tug of war for loyalty. My youngest daughter loves me to death but she is a daddy's girl through and through. I digress... what I'm getting at is that it would be great for him to feel that we are all a family - and we are. The reason I'm having difficulties is that I just don't know I can do it again so soon. It hurts too much.

It's not just that. I have learned much in the last 6 months.. and one of those things is that 1st mom's are not held up on that pedastal that they put us on when we were pregnant. Nooooooo, that was clearly kicked out from under me the moment I signed those papers! I hear it all the time. My neighbour whom I love, said her cousin was adopted and found her "birthmother" she said that it was uncomfortable for them all when they met her and basically indicated that this woman didn't raise her and therefore they were appalled that she would be involved in her life. That was before she knew I was a "birthmother". I was at a support group meeting the other night, in which I mentioned that it hurt having A's mom at our house, seeing her be his mom and knowing that I will never be her and an adoptive mom went up one side of me and down the other about how she (A's mom) was there for him through thick and thin and didn't I think that counted for something?! I wasn't saying that it didn't, I wasn't saying she wasn't his mom, I was saying that it hurts that I am not her. Thats all. I left there again feeling that I am nothing. That I do not deserve to have a relationship with A. That I don't deserve anything except the misery I have lived in for 19 years. I don't want to go there and be in a room full of people who think that I am nothing - that I have no right to have a relationship with my son - their son. But I will - for A. I will smile and nod, I will tell everyone how grateful I am that A grew up in their family and not mine because "clearly I made the right choice" and I will die a little more inside.

...I will be grateful that I can see my son's beautiful blue eyes, hear him laugh and watch him be his amazing self.